Official De-Virginification Post
Listening To: Talib Kweli - Get By
Here's a dispatch I've been working on, but never got around to sending:
GET READY FOR ANOTHER TEMPORARY AUTONOMOUS WRITING ZONE (TAWZ)!!!???!!!
‘cause it’s coming. Like a freight train, babe.
Two life milestones and a sort of trivial thing.
1st order of business: Trivial thing.
Although I’m now 21 and my ID is valid, people think I’m trying to pass a fake. Because my ID is from Alaska. Nobody in the real world is from Alaska. The state only exists as an abstraction on fake ID’s.
Like today, I’m buying a 40 oz. and the dude behind the bodega counter takes my license, studies it for like three minutes, turns it over and looks at the other side. And then quizzes me on my address. PO Box 1971 muthafucka! And I’ve got major stubble, it’s not because I look really young, it’s this guy can’t conceive that an actual real Alaskan who isn’t Eskimo is buying beer from him. And then he sold me the beer like “I know its a fake, but I’ll let you slide this one time kid.”
3rd order of business: First Life Milestone.
I’m sorry guys/gals, I got a cell phone. It ain’t so bad. I didn’t realize how hard it was to get a cell phone. Like trying to adopt a damn baby. So many forms. Other than college, I think that was the first time anyone checked my credit rating. I failed. The salesman said, “Well, we are going to let you buy a cell phone.” Big fucking privilege. “But you have to give a deposit.” Oh yes massa, anything you say, massa, please am I worthy to have a cell phone? Anyway, I pretty much had to for work. Nobody takes you seriously if you don’t have a cell phone. I try to call up, say, the Department of Homeland Security
2nd order of business: Second Milestone
I have achieved a major life milestone.
Not turning 21, jackass. Bigger.
I woke up on a New York sidewalk.
No idea how I got there. Well. I knew the last thing I remembered was going out to a bar with the crew. I feel like I need to get a tattoo now or something. Yeah, I spent a night in jail once before, but only now am I a man. I got really lucky. Wasn’t missing my shoes or anything. Fuck, I even had all my money still in my pocket. Incredible.
That's it. Maybe I was right not to send it. Oh well, now its beyond my control, polluting the cyberzone. Will continue my profundities at a later date.